Comity of Errors

Sometimes I use a word, and know there are similar words and am not sure the difference. Today’s post is about two of those pairs: is it constrain or restrain, comity or amity, and what’s the difference?

The first pair, constrain and restrain, is one about which I have a preconceived notion. Constrain is something you can’t do to yourself; it relies on outside forces working upon you. Restrain is something you can do to yourself or something someone can do to someone else (a broader use). Let’s see if I understand or not.

According to the dictionary (actually, dictionary.com) constrain’s definition is to force, compel, or oblige. All examples given were of outside force compelling the result. Restrain’s definition is to hold back from action, to keep in check or under control, … to limit or hamper the activity, growth or effect of. (The ellipsis indicates it also means to deprive of liberty.) The example given supports my original differentiation. So far so good.

Where did these words come from and how did we end up with two such similar words? Constrain came first, in the early 1300s. It was originally spelled constreyen, because it came from the Old French word constreindre, which came from the Latin word constringere, which means to bind together, tie tightly, fetter, shackle, or chain. It is formed form the prefix com- that means together and the root stringere that means draw tight. (Not surprisingly, we get our word strain from the same root.)

Restrain came to English in the middle 1300s. It came from the stem of the Old French word restraindre, which came from the Latin word restringere, which means to draw back tightly, confine, or check. The prefix re- in Latin means “back, again, or against”.

So the difference in Latin is the difference between “together” and “again”. The difference is one of agency, of someone working together to keep in check or someone returning again to a place of control. I stand by my original declaration of difference. If you’re imposing the control on yourself use restrain; if someone or something else is restricting your action use constraint.

Comity and amity are even more confusing in the dictionary. Amity is defined as friendship and peaceful harmony. The secondary definition is of “mutual understanding and a peaceful relationship, especially between nations.” Comity is defined first as mutual courtesy and civility and second as “respect for one country for the laws, judicial decisions, and institutions of the other.” It sounds like amity is a closer relationship than comity. Comity includes courtesy, civility and respect, and implies peaceful coexistence I almost used harmony instead of coexistence, but you can respect, be courteous and civil toward someone without any agreement with the way they act or believe. Amity implies a closer relationship, a friendship, and more agreement in using the word harmony. So much for definitions. Does etymology add to our understanding?

Etymonline.com (since I’m citing sources again) says comity comes to English through the French word comité, which they got from the Latin comitas. Comitas means courtesy or kindness. What’s interesting is that comity’s use to mean courtesy didn’t happen until the 1540s, or almost a century and a half after the word came into English use (if you can’t do the math that means it arrived in the early 1400s.) Its use in the phrase comity of nations isn't found until 1862, when there wasn't much comity in the U.S.

So allow your comity to develop into amity, by practicing restraint and avoiding the need for constraints.